My KitKat is not so special anymore (or is it?)

I was 10 when my father first brought me my first bag of Kit Kat chocolate. We lived in delhi. His trips back from abroad were filled with stories of wonder  and of course goodies. It is not the first barbie doll , or that motorized car that zipped through the floors of our living room, or that big fluffy teddy bear that seized the moment for me. It was the first time I took a bite of that chocolate covered wafers goodness. I vividly remember how the flavor exploded on my taste buds and how unreasonably obsessed and protective I became of that bag of chocolates – -concocting plans to hide it from my siblings and hoping to make it last for a year till his next trip. I would hide it in the deepest recesses of my closet. At night, dig out the molten mess and then tip toe into the kitchen to cool it in the freezer.   I would then find a hidden corner and eating it in silent dark solitude of the kitchen. In years to come, receiving my new batch of Kit kat supplies became most anticipated outcome from my father’s travels.

So imagine, my reaction when 7 years later I arrived in U.S for studies. I went to a gas station in New Jersey on way to my university and see bags and bags of Kit Kat chocolate being sold like common commodity along with several other brands of chocolates. The goodness and the specialness was mass produced and mass supplied. I felt such unexplained pang of disappointment.

My journey to discovering the spirit within  has followed its own silent stubborn pace.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by several family members who have been roaring down the path of spiritual growth and self enlightenment for years. I welcomed their guidance, listened and observed their journeys with wonder and at times envy. But as much as I intellectually understood the “Steps to mindfulness and Connecting with the higher power within”  my heart did not surrender to it.

Life continued to move at its pace. Filled with home, careers, young kids – my list of why I do not have time to meditate was long, fresh and always well fed.  I do not know the exact moment when I surrendered and experienced god – but have a feeling it was few years ago during my nightly run. I was lost in the rhythm of my breath and sound of my feet hitting the concrete. In that silence, I inherently  felt the need to shed off the cloaks of “my thinking”, my active mind, my ego. In those brief moments of nothingness, I felt the immeasurable abundance. A kind of love that runs so deep and is so profound that you cannot describe it in words. Because no words or worldly description can do justice to the purity and the lightness of that moment.

I felt as if a door was opened within me. I had discovered this secret entrance to a place of abundance.  Ironically the pathway to this place of truth and wonder was opposite to what my active mind was trained to do.

The secret lied in the surrender to the pause – fully and wholesomely being with the pause. In that moment I felt this connection to a light and energy that exists within me.  As if a book was being read to me Or I was reading it — because it was my own voice in my being , except that words did not have any decibel energy to them. They emerged and were present in my conscious. I suddenly believed in God, undoubtedly experienced his presence in every fiber of my being. I experienced Me and I was an extension of the God. It is not a chase to God, but a surrender and inward journey to what lies within.

My “mindfulness practice” look a secret life of its own. It emerged in midst of utmost levels of physical activity — when I was on my runs, running races, in midst of chaos in my day to day life. I often doubted – Could the truth be really so Uncomplicated, UnGlamorous and Drama Free? Was the pathway to really simply surrendering to nothingness to experience the utmost abundance?  Surely I have it wrong because I am not slogging through the complexities of spiritual wisdom and living through the trials and tribulations of spiritual growth.

I am attending my very first wisdom conference this year. In many ways I feel like a fish from a small pond in midst of a crowd of a large ocean. Last 24 hours have been awe filled. I have felt inspired , overwhelmed and also jaded.

Spirituality has been deeply personal and private experience to me. I am able to tap into that space when I shed away the Me and My wisdom. However towards end of the day, as I stood still in midst of the moving crowd , familiar feelings surfaced within me from past. It felt like the goodness and specialness is being mass produced and mass supplied. It is being packaged into many brands and commoditized.

My Kit Kat does not feel so special anymore. Or perhaps it still is and I have to uncover its specialness all over again.

For now, its a new day and I make an intent to Observe the Space.